How to Create Psychological Safety and Build Confidence

Hi, I’m Paul Krismer, I’m your happiness expert and this week we’re going to talk about this concept called psychological safety. You know, whatever that is, but there is this real idea that I think intuitively we know, there’s times when we come into a situation or an environment and we just don’t feel very good. We, it’s not the kind of place where I’d want to be vulnerable and share any dark secrets, or maybe even express any thought at all. And when you’ve got those feelings, you are not feeling psychologically safe. By contrast, when you feel psychologically safe in an environment, you’re feeling vulnerable, you’re willing to share your point of view, you feel kind of capable of change and engagement, and whatever the process or reason for your being there is, and you have this belief that no one will be punished or humiliated for speaking up. That’s when you’re psychologically safe. And we’re going to talk about that in this week’s video and maybe some ways that we can enhance psychological safety in the lives of our businesses, the communities we hang out in, and even in our relationships with our spouses. So stay tuned.

As a coach, public speaker, and best-selling author, I teach topics just like this one all around the world. So stay tuned, and I’ll give you practical tools that you can use to make both yourself and those around you both happier and more successful. Yeah, so we’re talking about psychological safety, and it’s very clear, that kind of an intuitive level, it’s when we feel respected, that the audience that we’re participating in a conversation with is open to our input. And similarly, in order for them to feel psychologically safe, we have to respect them and be open to their input. So that’s the kind of foundational definition of what psychological safety is. It’s an environment where we feel okay, where we can be our true selves, be vulnerable, be open to change and learning, and feel that we’ll be heard and respected. And it is a social dynamic. It’s not an individual thing. Psychological safety isn’t something I manufacture for myself, it’s something to do with the milieu of the social environment I’m in. And therefore, psychological safety is not something that we can work on one by one. It’s the collective effort.

You know, there’s some basic ways that we can be more psychologically safe, and be our best, and participate in a way that creates respect. Um, and obviously, some of those things are showing humility, being fallible, so that you know we’re not somehow making ourselves better than other people or close to input, but we’re interested in learning from other people. And we often create psychological safety by inviting other people’s point of view. And these things maybe seem kind of basic, but in many dynamics, those things aren’t true, where people want your input, or invite your input, or where you feel that the people you’re speaking with are themselves presenting themselves as fallible, and humble. You know, we can use these kinds of techniques of creating psychological safety in a number of places, and maybe the workplace is the clearest example, where so often the leaders, in a mistaken way, have this command and control way of being a leader. They think that they, you know, should be like the military personnel that they see on movies and always have the right decision, and make a clear-cut decision, and send people out to go and do their stuff. And that is not the way the real world works. The real world works that we have this interplay of ideas and exchanges, and a true willingness to listen to what other people have to say. And that requires that fallibility and humility, and the part of our businesses. And so, those of you who are working in organizations, even if you’re not the leader, you can role model what good psychological safety practices look like by simply, if you’re in a meeting and people are talking, and someone’s not saying a whole lot, say, “Hey, you know, Bob, I haven’t heard from you lately. And Lori, I know you’ve got an opinion about this”, and invite the participation in the conversation. And admit that you don’t know the answers yourself, which is why you’re inquiring from other people.

You know, one of the ways that we also enhance psychological safety is we paraphrase what people have said, so they can feel genuinely listened to. So if somebody says, “You know, I feel really strongly about this, that, or the other thing”, and especially when there’s emotion present, people want to feel heard and understood. And so if you say back, “Gee, I hear that you’re really upset and frustrated by…”, and you repeat back what it is that’s getting to them, and that creates psychological safety. And then, when we’re finished a conversation with somebody about something that’s important, worth us creating that safe container in, we often want to confirm that if we’ve heard things correctly and maybe summarize action items. So it could be, “I think our plan is this, and you’re going to do these two things and I’m going to do that thing”. And when that summary of the conversation is encapsulated, people feel not only heard, but there’s clear action going forward. And even so, along the way in the conversation, you can often just pop in and go, “I think I heard this, is that right?”, and it gives an opportunity for people to say more. And often, you’ve got it right, but if it’s emotional, the context of the conversation, then they may have more to say that, when you say, “Is that right?”, they go, “Yeah, that is right, I was frustrated and that really hurt my feelings”, and they’re going to go on about something else that is on their minds and antagonizing or inflaming their emotions. And that simple question, “Is that right?”, with a genuine curiosity, invites them to fully express what’s going on for them and be vulnerable.

You know, we also have this other final important point for creating psychological safety, and that’s to call out bad behavior. So if you see it in a meeting, for example in a business setting, where somebody’s, you know, cut somebody down, or says, “You know what, we’re not going to do that, that’s a bad idea”, and you might just simply say, “Hey, no ideas are bad ideas, we’re just brainstorming here”. And it not only protects the person who got picked on, but it tells the person who did the picking on that you, you’re calling them out on it. It’s unacceptable behavior. And it may be more egregious than that, and sometimes it’s a private conversation with somebody saying, “That just isn’t cool. We don’t, we don’t treat people like that here”. And in our community meetings, where people are volunteers, this may be all the more important. And when I say community meetings, it might also be your family. And there, we need to be explicit with people saying, “Hey, you know, these are the rules for this heavy conversation that we’re going to have. We need to talk about, you know, the finances, and the kids are spending like drunken sailors because they’re playing every sport there is, and we need to be more responsible for it. I want to make sure we have a conversation that’s very respectful where everybody gets a chance to listen. You kind of set the container first, and if people violate the container, you call them out on it. “Hey, it’s no good that you can’t call your mom bad names just because she can’t get you to hockey every Saturday morning,” whatever. I hope this makes sense.

I want to finish by noting how important this is, especially for couples. If you’re around your spouse all the time, as most of us are when we’re in those kinds of relationships, there’s this dynamic and flow of dialogue that a lot of the time is coded. It’s that we understand each other so well that we can go “dinner,” and everybody knows what to do. They get in the kitchen and start prepping food or whatever. But when it comes to an emotional conversation, somehow we need to pivot and make clear to our partner, “this is a different conversation.”

I would advise people to have formal practices of this, where they say, “Hey, look, we need a really serious conversation about this. Let’s go sit down in the living room or let’s go sit in the place that we have serious conversations where we know it’s more formal.” And then we’re going to sit across from each other, not as though we’re looking at the TV or staring at our newspaper. We sit across from each other so that we’re able to read body language and genuinely have this dialogue back and forth.

Psychological safety has a special importance in couples as well, because these are the people we count on to be our most trustworthy sources. So, when couples are part, sometimes that builds psychological safety to show connection during the day, you know, through the little text or a little phone call, or a note that you put in somebody’s lunch to say “we are connected even when we’re apart,” because that enhances psychological safety, and commitment, and trust when we are back together. And it’s at the end of the day, so much about trust. When we feel it, we’re completely safe in an environment that means we trust the people who are around us to take us as who we are.

I hope some of that makes sense. If you like this kind of content, click the like button, share the video, and we’ll see you next week with some new bit of happiness teaching. Bye for now.