Foreboding Joy & How to Enjoy Every Moment

Hey, I’m Paul Krismer. I’m your happiness expert, and in last week’s video, I made this passing reference to something called the arrival fallacy, and a few people who watched the video actually inquired about it, and so I thought I’d explain that a little bit more. And it’s this notion that we think we can accomplish or acquire something so that we then become happy, and that if we create these circumstances that are just right, whatever that means, then the circumstances of happiness will just simply be with us. And there’s this notion that you arrive, “Oh, I’ve got the circumstances I need, and therefore I should kind of forever be happy because I’ve arrived.” And so often, we find that, of course, that’s not true. We arrive at some place that’s well happier than the place we were before, but before too long, it starts to fade away. And so the idea that this arrival will lead us to kind of a permanent, long-lasting happiness always fails. That’s the arrival fallacy. And there’s kind of a related concept that I wanted to talk a little bit about today, where we can actually arrive at a happy place and mess it up for ourselves because of what’s going on in our heads. So we can get this really good feeling, and then we worry and concern ourselves out of it. So stay tuned. We’re gonna look at how to fix that fallacy of, sometimes Brene Brown calls it, forboding joy. Let’s talk about that.

As a coach, public speaker, and best-selling author, I teach topics just like this one all around the world. So stay tuned, and I’ll give you practical tools that you can use to make both yourself and those around you both happier and more successful. Hey, have you ever been there where you’re just filled with joy, and then you do something to mess it up for yourself? Well, every parent can relate to this. You’re in a good, beautiful moment, maybe you’ve taken your five-year-old to the playground, and they’re happy, they’re playing with other little friends, and things just seem blissful and fabulous. And then your child goes up to the top of the slides, climbing the stairs, and suddenly, you’re seized with this moment that maybe the child will fall or maybe you’ll go down the slide and there’ll be something bad on it, it’ll cut their leg or something, and you start worrying about the things that could go wrong with your baby. And that joy might still be there a little bit, but there’s this element of fear and worry about stuff that isn’t real that messes you up. And Brene Brown calls that foreboding joy, this idea that we’ve got a happy moment, but because we’re busy being worried about it, you know, “What if this happened or what if that happened?” You know, “I did really well in school and I’m feeling really great about my A, but now my teacher is going to expect work just as good, or my mom and dad are going to expect such high grades and I don’t know if I can do that,” and I start taking away from the happy moment of getting a really good grade. Or I get a promotion at work, and I’m like, “Yeah, this is so fantastic. I feel fantastic, my wife’s happy, and I’m just, oh, it couldn’t be better,” but, holy cow, now I’m gonna have more responsibility and I might have to work longer hours and, oh gee, you know? So you take this good stuff in our lives, and we kind of ruin it with the thoughts about what could be bad. So that’s forboding joy, where we worry and think about things that could be lousy. And it’s not that we’re not experiencing happiness on an ongoing basis, it’s just much diminished, and there’s this kind of feeling of impending doom like it can’t possibly last, right? And sometimes, you know, in old Eastern philosophy, people would talk about that grasping. “Oh, there’s this beautiful moment with my kid, and I want it to last forever,” and because I’m worried about it not lasting, the worry leads to these concerns about what might go wrong, right? That’s kind of Buddhist philosophy one-on-one, grasping to hold on to the things that you like and averse to the things that you don’t want. And we get all messed up in our heads instead of just enjoying the moment, and I guess that’s the solution, the remedy comes in that, and it’s kind of a two-part remedy. The first one is being deeply grateful. Hey, when we’ve got a good moment, it’s not that we should cling on to it and hope that it lasts forever, it’s that we should be really grateful. “Oh, beautiful moment. My kid’s up on the slide, having fun and playing with friends. This is fantastic. Thank you. This is so wonderful. I’m so grateful for this moment. Beautiful evening, fun with the kids, all that kind of stuff. Grateful, grateful, grateful. I got a promotion, let’s go for dinner, let’s really enjoy this. I’m so grateful that for this good thing happening in my life.” Right? Gratitude is the one remedy, and a habit of gratitude which I’ve taught before, you know, the best one is every night before you go to bed or first thing in the morning, look to your past 24 hours and write down three things that went well, and just make a solid habit of that. It’s an excellent practice. And the second aspect of kind of dealing with this forboding joy is to simply get into the present moment, really, really get outside of your head and the worry about the future or the regret about the past and be with what is right now. And the degree to which we can turn off that interior dialogue of judgment and emotions and all that crazy stuff is the degree to which we can just be more content with what is. And when things are good, that means we really enjoy the good things because we’re present with what is. So, you know, looked past videos, David will maybe put up a few links about meditation and mindfulness and all that stuff, which is just one of the most fantastic things we could possibly do. Hey, if you like this kind of content, click like button, share with your friends and family. Thanks for watching, we’ll see you again next week. Bye for now.