How to Speak up Against Sexism & Other Bad Behavior (Without Confrontation)

Hi, I’m Paul Krismer. I’m your happiness expert and this week, we’re going to talk all about confronting bad behavior. Goodness knows, we’ve all been there where somebody says something inappropriate or does some disrespectful gesture, and you’re kind of left in a little pause. You know, maybe it’s somebody you know well, it’s a colleague, or a friend in the neighborhood, or even a family member. And it can be confusing and it’s hard to know where the ethical lines always are. The worst stuff are things where there’s slightly sexist or slightly racist commentary and those things are confusing. At a time, if you’re my age, you know there were times when we thought this was okay. And in 2022, it is not okay and it’s hard to call out and know how to react. Yet, bad behavior when it’s allowed to be out there and goes unconfronted, it means it continues, and that can be very unhappy making. So, in this video, we’re going to talk about really easy, rational ways to confront bad behavior that usually doesn’t end in conflict and actually helps the person not make such behavioral errors in the future. So, stay tuned, that’s coming right up.

As a coach, public speaker, and best-selling author, I teach topics just like this one all around the world. So, stay tuned, and I’ll give you practical tools that you can use to make both yourself and those around you both happier and more successful. You know, one of the most insidious kinds of bad behavior that I’ve witnessed is workplace banter that sounds like it’s just fun and friendly, and yet is clearly crossing lines. I’ve worked with clients that had a lot of this kind of dialogue, where they referred to each other in inappropriately tough, macho terms, sometimes calling each other a-hole and stuff like that, and sometimes complaining about someone’s performance based on their gender. Never cool. Or references to race, or what part of the world they come from. All that kind of stuff is just so not cool anymore. Yet, some of us sometimes, well, all of us some of the time, have a hard time confronting it. After all, one of our greatest aversions is having interpersonal conflict, so we are quiet and stand back more often than we ought to be. And there are ways to address this that can make it a little easier to say to somebody, “Not cool.” In fact, those very words might be the ones that you can use. If we can be really specific about the behavior, not calling out the person or name-calling them and getting into interpersonal conflict, but if somebody says something sexist like, “Oh yeah, women are like that,” you just have to say, “Not cool, man. We don’t talk that way. It’s 2022.” And there’s enough in that, that they are going to get the message loud and clear, and it doesn’t have to be some big discussion, unless of course you’re their superior and they do this kind of behavior all the time. But, that quick correction, for most people most of the time, will go, “Oh!” They know that it’s not cool anymore. They know they’re pushing it, and they’ve crossed an ethical line, and by simply being called out, they’re going to correct their behavior in the future.

And you know, it can be other ways of saying it’s just not cool, but we could also say things like, “You know, we don’t talk like that anymore,” or, “That’s a sexist comment. That doesn’t work.” And so, very concise, specifying exactly what that bad behavior is, the sexist, racist, or otherwise unethical, poor behavior, by simply being very precise on the behavior, we don’t make an attack on the person’s character. And if we think we need to have a longer conversation, and hopefully you don’t, that one sentence or two sentences might be enough. The most important thing is to say what the impact is. You know, the impact of comments like that degrade women generally, and we don’t want that in this workplace. We want to value everybody. Then, shut up. That’s all you have to say. The impact is that we’re degrading women. Or it might be, “Hey, the impact of behavior like that encourages other people to also behave badly,” and these kinds of behaviors, whether it’s physical or things that people say, these kinds of behaviors just aren’t accepted in our workplace. The impact is that people don’t feel comfortable. Or the impact could simply be, “Hey, I don’t feel comfortable when people talk like that. I want to have a respectful conversation in the workplace.” Full stop, no more is needed to be said. The behavior, the impact, and then if it’s a fulsome conversation, you are somebody’s boss, and you think you need to go into these kinds of behaviors in a more in-depth way because it’s an ongoing problem, then it’s the behavior, the impact, and providing the alternative behavior.

So, if somebody says, “You know, well I always throw my garbage across the street,” or across the room, and miss the can sometimes, you can simply say, “No, that behavior of throwing your garbage isn’t going to work for us. The impact is other people are going to have to clean that up for you, and that’s not cool. And so, the alternative behavior, what I need you to do is to walk over there with your garbage and put it in the can.” It’s maybe a super silly little example, but so often, especially in our most familial places, in our families, and in our workplaces, the kind of offenses we witness and find confusing and hard to address tend to be these minor violations and habits that people get into. So you simply point out the behavior, the impact, and then give an alternative, corrective behavior. And most often, that’s all we need. And there’s, if it’s going to be something that people get defensive about and in a big argument about, then often it’s appropriate to say, “Hey, you know, we can schedule a conversation about this, a bigger topic that you want to get at another time, but not right now, not right here.” Even with family, you can say that. So if you point out a behavior that’s not cool, the impact is I feel uncomfortable or disrespected, and what I’d sooner have you do is just speak to me in a really gentle, kind way. And if the person gets defensive and wants to talk about it, “Hey, I can see this is really hot for you. Can we talk about it after dinner?” Or something like that. And that simple postponement allows them to get emotionally regulated so that when they do want to have this further conversation, they’re in a better place to do it. And furthermore, the important thing is that 90% of the time, they’ll recognize that they’re wrong, and they’ll either not have the conversation later on, or if they do, they’ll come and say, “Hey, you know what, you’re right. It’s good to see people come along and be with where you’re at. Hey, if you like this kind of content, click the like button, share it with your friends and family, share it with your HR director. I love providing this kind of content. My mission in the world is to make the world a bit happier, and when you share it, you make the world happier too. Thanks so much, bye for now.